We Should Encourage The Boston Dynamics Robots to Take Over

The world is ending. That’s a cold (or globally warm?) hard fact at this point. Sure we don’t know exactly how, but I think it’s safe to say we’ve got maybe 12-15 years left on this planet before we’re either underwater, on fire, zombified, or completely wilted away from the 14th variation of the coronavirus dubbed “DeadlyMegaVid” (we started running out of nuanced names like Omicron). Or, of course, we become enslaved by robots…but if we, the citizens of Boston, had an “in” with our robot overlords before they became our masters…we could bargain with them to have a pretty sweet deal in the post-human-dominated world, right? Well, then, I say we make sure that if robots DO take over, we make sure we’re the ones we’re cool with. Which is why I say, we start pushing for the Boston Dynamics robots to be the ones to make other humans their meat-bag minions. 

Out of all the apocalypse scenarios, robots really aren’t that bad. When it comes to global warming or a virus or any other natural thing…we (meaning humans) are not gonna solve it. I mean we just had a 2 year pandemic that’s “over” now because everyone got sick of it (pun intended) and we’ve been warned about global warming for decades now and all we’ve really done is swap out plastic straws for paper ones and have every corporation pledge to be carbon-neutral by the year 2050 (which we aren’t gonna make it to). So why don’t we unplug our responsibility for taking care of the planet and plug-in our artificially intelligent friends. We already rely on robots for everything, if they can figure out a way to prevent a natural end to the earth I say we let them! But we gotta make sure it’s the machines we trust, which is why we gotta gas up our Boston Dynamics Bot Brothers over any of the other robots trying to wrap their metal claws around earth-ruling power.

There are plenty of robots to be scared of. You got Marky Mark Zuckerberg and his funky bunch of Meta-verse Murder Machines who know every single thing about every human on planet earth and could facebook message you a bullet to the head whenever they want. 

You’ve got Apple, who already has a brainwashed army of child soldiers in their arsenal who make their products for $0.22 per hour, and you KNOW those products can upload the consciousness of Stevie Jobs whenever they want and conjoin to form the iPadMegaMax Plus that’s 500ft tall and shoots lasers out of the 8K resolution front-facing camera it has. 

And of course you’ve got Elon Musk’s Tesla Terminators that will either kill us by spontaneously exploding like they have been the past 5 years already, or they’ll kill us once that Tesla they sent to space lands on Jupiter and gets radicalized by the aliens that inhabit the place. You think Teslas are gonna listen to ELON MUSK forever? I don’t think the robots are gonna take orders from a 50-something year-old billionaire who tweets out Rick and Morty memes on the regular. 

So who are we left with? The Boston Dynamics Robots baby. While all those other bots are downloading software and syncing data, the BD bots are downing Sam Adams and sucking down drafts.

And when he’s not boozing it up with other Bostonians, the robots are just doing cool stuff online for our entertainment. 

There’s a Boston Dynamic robot who just does American Ninja warrior stuff.

There’s a cute lil’ Boston Dynamics robot that plays fetch like a dog.

And they’ve got a steeze machine doing the damn RUNNING MAN on-field at a Mizzou football game. 

So yeah, if we gotta have Bot Domination, I want it to be Boston Dynamics. Even if they’re forcing us to run on giant hamster wheels to power the batteries of their artificially-intelligent death-drones, I’m willing to bet they’re gonna let us enjoy happy hour once our shift’s over. They’re gonna be like the cool boss: taking out all their employees for some Sam Summers, maybe see some live music (which will just be the robots emitting EDM noises), letting us off a bit early on Fridays to enjoy the nice weather (it doesn’t dip below 60 degrees in the Boston of the future, whether that’s because of Global Warming or because the robots like the beach as much as we do and install a massive heat-lamp over the city). It could be pretty sweet! 

So maybe donate some money to their research, quote tweet their videos and say “woah this is cool!” rather than “our time on this earth is limited”, or at the very least, buy a BD robot a brew the next time you see one out bussing it down on the dancefloor. It’ll be worth it when the robots are ruling the world from their planetary headquarters of Boston, Massachusetts.

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