Beans. 

Go ahead and say that out loud. 

“BEANS”

What did you think of? 

Maybe, beans beans the Magical Fruit, the more you eat the more you toot?

Or did your brain go straight to Duke, the talking dog who uses his remarkable ability to speak the English language to inquire about Bush’s Beans?

Or perhaps, you thought of this kid?

All of those answers make sense! But let me ask you something, why didn’t you think of Boston?

Boston has the nickname “Beantown”, we have a hockey tournament with 4 Boston Schools called “The Beanpot”, people know that there is such thing as “Boston Baked Beans”, but when’s the last time you actually heard someone with Boston Bean pride? I bet not for a very long time, or possibly, ever.

I wasn’t aware that hometown foods were such a big deal until I went to college and was told by a kid from New York that I had never had a bagel before.

I have eaten thousands of bagels in my lifetime. It’s probably the biggest culprit as to why I am adorably chubby. So why did this kid tell me that I had never consumed one before? Because he claimed I hadn’t had a bagel until I had a New York Bagel.

Now I’ve had a New York Bagel and I’ve also had New York Pizza since the day I was ridiculed, and they’re for sure great. I’m not arguing that. But is it a whole other world? Was it like putting glasses on for the first time? Was it like being unplugged from the Matrix? NO! It was just a really good bagel! So why was this kid willing to go to such lengths to defend the honor of his town’s food? Would I have done the same thing for Boston’s food…BEANS? God no!

I mean, if someone told me Boston Baked Beans are trash, I’d say you’re probably right! I can’t tell you the last time I had “Boston Baked Beans” and to be honest, I don’t know why this town’s beans would be any better than anyone else’s! I mean, if I’m being told to ride or die New England foods, there is an entire grocery list before beans even cross my mind. 

Dunkin’ Donuts over any other coffee shop I will fight for to the death. It’s cheap, it’s tasty, it’s quick, I don’t need anything else and if you do you’re just trying to prove something. 

New England Clam Chowder, the perfect starter for any meal. You get it anywhere else it’s gonna be all drippy and gross.

Lobster rolls, Cape Cod ice cream…hell, I’d even go to war for Rhode Island’s Coffee Milk before I picked up the sword for BEANS.

What does that say about us as a town? We’re really gonna let Jersey people walk around talking about how good “Taylor Ham” is when everyone knows it’s just a slippery, thicker form of SPAM Italian mothers have taught their kids is the best since their great grandma came over on the Santa Gabagoola? 

If those clowns can rally behind their weird food, why can’t WE? It’s time to put the beans back in Bean Town. Why? Because it’s Boston baby. And if there’s one thing we do best, it’s having an irrational competition with New York/New Jersey in every aspect of life for no reason other than the fact that they’re kinda close to us. Here’s a few ways to get the pride going.

1. We need a Beantown Brewery. I mean, what are we waiting for? If you’re saying “I don’t know beans and beer don’t really work together” just remember, Worcester has “Wormtown Brewery”. We have an alliteration and they have a disgusting squirmy lifeform that mates with itself! Let’s make this happen! 
2. Beans have to be sold at all Boston Concerts and Sporting Events. It’s the only way to bring them into the culture. Detroit’s got their famous hot dogs (already sold everywhere), New York has pizza (the food everyone likes and you can get anywhere), and now in order to make our beans popular, we gotta dish ‘em out at any and all Boston events. I’m talkin’ a Beans and Ball deal at Fenway, “Bruins’ Baked Beans” at the Garden, Belichick’s Big Bag o’ Beans at Gillette. Whatever you want to call it, we need more of it where people are repping the city with pride and joy. 
3. We need to kill Duke the Bush’s Beans dog. I’m sorry guys I don’t want to do it but it’s probably the only way we’re really gonna be able to get this done. He’s taking too much of the spotlight away from Boston. If we wanna bring beans back, we’ll have to bring Duke to the farm up north. If you’re catching my drift.
4. We need a famous Boston Celebrity to do a commercial for Beans. Did you see that “Smaht Pahts” commercial for Nissan?? People ate that up! Now imagine what it could do for the brand power of beans if we had Ben Affleck put on the accent thick and try to get people to pull trig on it more often! The commercial could be a parody of The Town called The Bean Town. I don’t know guys I’m just spitballing here you know what I’m trying to say.
5. We should put Beanie Feldstein in more movies. “Beanie”, “Beans”…idk it couldn’t hurt.
   
   
6. We need an annual Bean Eating Competiton. Just like the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating competition. Once a year just have people shoveling heaps of those little guys down their throats for all of America to see. Once we find the Joey Chestnut of Beans, we’ll be golden.
7. If we’re going to go as far to kill Duke…we might as well put a cap in Mr. Bean’s ass while we’re at it. Kill two birds with two stones while we’re on a roll. I know the British already don’t like Boston because of that whole “not wanting to be part of their country” thing, but that was hundreds of years ago and they’ve got bigger things to worry about. Especially with the coronavirus going around (how old’s the queen now? 120? 125?)

 

I mean, that’s just a quick beanstorm to get us started. I think if we can all rally behind this movement, we can get the momentum to bring beans back to Boston. At the very least, we can maybe get Boston to come up in your mind before Beans from Even Stevens does. Although, that’s an uphill battle considering he looks like this now and you can’t unsee it.