Merry Christmas, everyone! Christmas is a few days away and that alone gives us all the reason we need to write a thousand words about Christmas movies. K Mac and myself enjoy holiday films as much as the next guy, so we figured we’d have some fun with it this year. It started with us wanting to write about the best gifts characters receive or don’t receive in their respective films. But because we each had more ideas come to us while watching said films, yet a limited amount of time, we went with what you’ll read below. No rules or regulations to this, and as you’ll see, we don’t cover every Christmas movie. So for the first time ever, CreativeEqual presents…. The Christmas Oscars!
K Mac: Firebolt
It was nice of Professor McGonagall to give Harry a Nimbus 2000. It carried him to some lovely Quidditch wins. But to live long enough to defeat He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, Mr. Potter needed a special broom. The kind of broom the Irish and Bulgarians would ride in the Quidditch World Cup. The kind of broom that can go from naught to 150 mph in under 10 seconds. Harry needed a Firebolt. Luckily, everyone’s favorite escaped convict/Animagus and Harry’s godfather, Sirius Black, stepped up to give it to him in Christmas of ’93. I’m not going to say that this gift saved the wizarding world, but if Harry had to yell “Accio Nimbus!”, the Chosen One would have made a delicious dinner for one Hungarian Horntail.
Flynn: A free year’s membership for the Jelly of the Month Club
Instead of the presumed bonus, with which he was going to put in a swimming pool and possibly fly all his relatives down to open it, Clark receives this on Christmas day! I mean what a slap in the face is this membership? Sure Cousin Eddie thinks it’s the gift that keeps giving all year round, but what the hell does he know? And what is Jelly of the Month Club anyway? FU Frank Shirley – Worst gift for sure.
Most Practical Gift
Flynn: A lamp
Practical is the key word here, folks. What gift is real, useful and every day? The lamp Mr. Parker, from A Christmas Story, won in a contest. Throw it up on the front room window and have people it admire it from the outside, while enjoying it light up your entire living room from the inside. Practical, indeed. Why it’s in the shape of a leg and wearing a fishnet stocking I have no idea, but Fragile!
Most Desired Gift
George Bailey from It’s A Wonderful Life doesn’t want to live anymore! Like so much so that he considers suicide! (Sorry for making this a little dark). That’s desire right there, but ya know what’s more desired? His will to live. That’s right, I just spun this positive. Begging God to give him his life back makes George’s gift of life the most desired.
Best Cup of Hot Chocolate
Doesn’t she make the best hot cocoa ever? Although we don’t actually see it, all we can go on is knowing that it took her 1200 years to get it right, for God’s sake! Not too hot, extra chocolate, shaken, not stirred – girl you get it! Sounds like the most delicious thing ever and I want a cup now.
Best Christmas Villain
K Mac: Whoever animated The Polar Express
Yes, The Grinch plundered Whoville of all its presents and Roast Beast. And sure, Ebenezer Scrooge is covetous curmudgeon. But they quickly learn the error of their ways. Robert Zemeckis and his team of abhorrent animators seem to forever embrace the terror they cultivate within each member of their unsuspecting audience. With each pallid glance from the young protagonists or lifeless speech from Tom Hanks’s inner demon, the dead-faced creatures from Express threaten to reach through the screen, pilfer your soul, and drag it down to the depths of the Uncanny Valley. Not even the Muppets could redeem these miscreants.
Runner up: Satan (Santa Claus)
Person with the Worst Christmas Spirit
What his elfin’ deal?!? Bro take it down a notch with your smug remarks and all those goofy-ass sweaters. He flat out tries to convince 8 year old Charlie that Santa and flying reindeer don’t exist. Let the kid live, huh? Just cuz you didn’t get a Oscar Meyer weenie whistle when you were 3 doesn’t mean you should take it out on everyone else.
Runner Up: Buddy’s boss in Elf. No singing in the North Pole? Come on, man.
K Mac: Grumpy Cat
You may remember Grumpy Cat as that thing you didn’t care about in 2012. Well, it also starred in a Lifetime Christmas movie you didn’t see in 2014: Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever. In the film, Grumpy Cat’s greatest crime isn’t that she’s grumpy (she is!), it’s that she’s sarcastic. Take this real quote for instance :
“Tabby: Those guys didn’t do anything to you, did they?
Grumpy Cat: That’s a *different* kind of Lifetime movie.”
Classic Grumpy! Casually dropping meta rape jokes in her own Christmas special. We get it. You’re too cool for Christmas. But Christmas movies aren’t about being cool. They’re about overwhelming sincerity and amorphously positive messages.
Most Horrifying Christmas Memory
K Mac: Finding Your Dad’s Decaying Corpse in Your Chimney, Wearing a Santa Suit
Have you experienced a single moment of happiness since you were 9 years old? If so, congratulations on not being Kate from Gremlins. I mean … Jesus Christ. Not only does her dad die on Christmas Eve, but she finds the body, dressed in a Santa suit with a bag full of presents, because she smells his rotting corpse when she tries to light a fire. Compared to that, being terrorized by Stripe and the Gremlin gang must seem like a vacation. Speaking of which …
Best Christmas-related Freak-out
Flynn & K Mac: Clark Griswold from Christmas Vacation.
Runner Up: Sinbad from Jingle All the Way. This crazy bastard twice threatened to use a homemade bomb! Take it easy, psycho!