Well it’s 2019, and that means if there was something that did kind of well in the 90s we have to reboot it for “the new generation” but in reality it’s so that 90s kids can go see it to either complain about it or love it purely because of nostalgia. Whatever you want to think of all the reboots coming out, you can’t deny they make money. I mean, an Aladdin reboot where the genie seriously looked like this,
made OVER A BILLION DOLLARS.
And folks, I want me a piece of that sweet reboot cash no matter how deep I gotta dig into 90s movie nostalgia, and what better time to make a cash-grabbing movie that plays on people’s good-willed emotions than Christmas.
How am I gonna make this bag, you ask? By rebooting the 90s classic, Jingle All the Way, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger.
What does this movie have to do with the lyrics “Jingle All the Way”, absolutely nothing. It has no tie to the movie. Maybe because he “goes all the way” to get some toy for his kid? But in general, it’s really just because it’s a phrase that people hear around Christmas time and those always make for a good movie title even if it makes zero sense…looking at you The KNIGHT Before Christmas.
But even despite the title, the movie itself doesn’t make much sense. Here’s a brief synopsis in my own words if you haven’t seen it:
Arnold Schwarzenegger is a horrible dad (like all dads in 90s Christmas movies, amirite Scott Calvin and Peter McCallister?) and he forgets to buy his kid the one gift he wanted for Christmas, a “Turbo Man” action figure, and doesn’t realize he forgot until Christmas Eve. He runs out to a bunch of stores trying to find the toy, and the whole time his neighbor is borderline sexually assaulting his wife. He then begins competing for the toy with some mailman. He ends up dressing up as Turbo Man at one point and basically gaining the powers of Iron Man while the mailman tries to kill him and his son. In the end, the son gives the toy to the mailman who just tried to kill him and the kid loves his dad because he dressed up as the toy. This entire time Arnold has an Austrian accent that goes unmentioned and a bunch of other crazy stuff happens, including: an actual reindeer running through their house and destroying their home, a bomb going off injuring multiple police officers, and an elaborate black market scheme of Mall Santas that gets raided by the FBI. So, yeah. There’s basically no rules for this reboot. Here’s my pitch.
To play the role of Arnold’s character? Arnold, again. If people really didn’t care about Robert De Niro hobbling around pretending to be 42 in the Irishmen I really don’t think they’ll care about 72 year old Arnold pretending to be a father to a 7 year old. It’s the same dad from the first one except in this one his first wife leaves him because she actually realized he’s a horrible father and can’t just dress up as a superhero to win their child’s affection. Now, he’s on his second marriage. Because this needs to be a brand new take on the story, we’re going to make the new kid a girl instead of a boy. That’s right, the studio recommends we Oceans 8 Ghostbust this baby to get the female audiences on board. What does she want for Christmas? All she wants is a Cameo from her favorite musician, Jojo Siwa.
That’s right, all she wants is a video recorded shout-out from the 16 year-old herself. What’s different this time, is that Arnold actually did the research and thought this little alien was weird as hell. But as he was scrolling around Cameo he found out he could get a video from Cory In The House for only $85.
His kids from the first marriage love that show and he thinks Cory was in the house for multiple terms. He thought wrong though. When he shows his wife on the day before Christmas Eve, she threatens to divorce him if he doesn’t get their kid what she wants. She and her daughter are busy the whole day because they’re going to the Jojo Siwa concert with her kid’s best friend and her dad who hits on her all the time. This means Arnold’s on his own to get the video.
Arnold tries to book a cameo but because he needs it so soon the turnaround to get one is impossible. He puts out an ad on Craigslist to pay hundreds of dollars for a video someone else paid for for their kid. He gets a video of Jojo shouting out another kids name from the ad, and tries to edit the audio to sound like she’s saying his kids name instead. Unfortunately when he tries to dub over her voice in iMovie it sounds like a 72 year old Austrian body-builder and not a delusional teenage girl who wears oversized bows and talks to Unicorns on TV. As he’s driving around town looking out his window for young girls who could imitate the voice better, he hears a voice on the radio.
“CALL IN RIGHT NOW FOR A CHANCE TO WIN TICKETS TO JOJO SIWA’S CHRISTMAS EVE SPECTACULAR!”
This is his chance. He can’t call in as his wife gave him an iPhone 11 as an early Christmas present and he doesn’t know how to use it, because again, he is seventy two years old. He realizes he’s only a block away from the radio station headquarters and begins sprinting up the stairs. It’s at this moment he realizes a man behind him is doing the same thing. Not a mailman this time, but an UberEats driver (Played by Kevin Hart, naturally).
They’re both sprinting for the prize and the radio host says that Arnold technically got there first, but he also doesn’t have a tip for his UberEats driver. Not knowing how to decide who gets the ticket, he tells them that whoever gets to the ticket booth first can have the ones under his name. This sets off a nasty car chase.
The UberEats driver is calling the cops on Arnold for driving recklessly, Arnold is throwing leftover Dunkin’ Donuts cups at his car trying to blind him, and eventually they both crash. They get out of their cars and get on Bird scooters. It’s slushy and snowy and things get out of hand. Once they get to the show, the UberEats driver arrives first, gets his ticket and runs in. In hopes of throwing his phone up on stage to get a recording. Arnold is devastated.
As he is sauntering out of the line, not knowing what to do. He sees a security guard throwing up in an alley behind the building. He beats the crap out of him and steals his uniform. He goes inside and doesn’t catch a single look, because he’s a giant scary man in a security guard uniform obviously. He goes in to the backstage area and starts trying to find Jojo’s dressing room so he can wait and try to catch her for a vid. This is when a woman dressed all crazy comes in and screams “WHERE’S THE FAN?” (this woman is unlikeable and has a goofy voice so she’s played by Kate McKinnon).
Arnold says “A Fan? Yes a fan! Me!”. Kate goes “What? You’re an elderly man? I just hope this isn’t some sort of creep thing. You’re on stage in a minute didn’t the crew tell you you have to be ready!”, it’s at this point Arnold realizes he’s gotten into more than he asked for.
Some production person dresses him up in a big bow and tutu and sends him out on stage with Jojo to sing a duet. He knows the words from his kid annoyingly singing it while he’s just trying to watch Bar Rescue and drink Yuenglings on Sundays. They sing together and Arnold asks if he can take a video for his kid, at which point the kid screams out “that’s me!”. Jojo invites them all on stage to get a video and perform and it’s great. The bad news is, once the kids are on stage, it leaves Arnold’s wife all alone with the other kids dad. They start hardcore making out. Kevin Hart feels a bond to Arnold for basically no reason and then pushes the dad off the balcony seats they were in. He gets wheeled out in a stretcher.
Arnold gets divorced again, but this time he gets full custody of his kid because of the infidelity and they live happily ever after without Arnold ever having to put another ounce into parenting just because he let his kid dance around with the little girl version of the Joker for 8 minutes. It’s a tale as old as time.
Working Title: Jojo All The Way
Budget: $150 Million (that Irishman de-aging technology isn’t cheap)
Predicted Box Office Earnings: $12.3 Million, for a net loss of $137.7 Mil.
Cast: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Kevin Hart, Jojo Siwa, and Emily Ratjakowski as his wife (Arnold said this had to happen or he wouldn’t do the movie).
Distribution: This is a straight to Nickelodeon+ movie (which will be out by the time this is made).