I’ve been asked to do something that, to my knowledge, has never been done before, and that is to defend a completely baseless claim that I made in a tweet. I thought those things went away after ten seconds and now I have to try to support my stance that “Wonderful Christmastime” is not the worst Christmas song of all time? I’ll try.

I should begin by saying that I’m not a huge fan of “Wonderful Christmastime”, but I don’t tell Alexa to skip it either. In order to be the worst Christmas song ever, I’d say, its a channel changer, an absolutely “cannot listen to it” kind of song. I came up with a list of five (4 songs and one band – which goes without saying… Straight No Chaser) that are much worse than “Wonderful Christmastime”. I won’t hit on all of my top five, I’ll focus on my top two most hated Christmas songs, and explain why they are leaps and bounds worse than “Wonderful Christmastime”.

First and foremost it’s the Christmas Season.  It’s a happy time, people are gathering together, celebrating, exchanging gifts, reflecting back on the past year and continuing family traditions.  You might say that the party’s on. That the feeling’s here, that only comes this time of year, Christmas time. It’s simply wonderful. In my opinion, the songs of the season, should embrace all of those things, and celebrate them.  

The two songs that are head and shoulders above all others on the list of worst Christmas songs of all time are “Santa Baby” and “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”.  There’s no debate. Christmas is a wholesome family time. Kids are filled with wonder and anticipation. Choirs of children are singing along to all of their favorite Christmas songs.  There’s no place in all of this for the likes of “Santa Baby”. The woman singing seductively to Santa laying out her extravagant list of demands. This is not a wholesome Christmas song that you want to hear at a children’s Christmas concert.  I mean seriously, she wants credit for not making out with a bunch of random dudes?! That’s not even worthy of a lump of coal, let alone a CONVERTIBLE. The song invokes an image of Marilyn Monroe singing “Happy Birthday Mr. President” to JFK, I’ll take my Christmas songs G-rated thank you.  Without a question the worst Christmas song of all time.

A close second on the list, and possibly even tied for first, is “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”.  In the interest of full disclosure I have to call myself out for spelling Claus wrong in the aforementioned tweet.  I’d like to blame auto-correct but I can’t. So I’ll blame the error on my fondness of Tim Allen Christmas movies. And since we’re on the topic of Christmas worsts, there is nothing even remotely connected to Christmas that I hate more than this guy.

He almost ruins the movie for me….I see him as a big “Santa Baby” fan.  But I digress. Anyway who wants their kid having the images of “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” tied to their Christmas memories.  I know the true meaning of the song isn’t what the lyrics appears at face value, by try explaining that to a child…”you see son Santa is actually Daddy so what you saw was Mommy kissing Daddy, and while we’re at it son, I guess you should know Santa isn’t real.”  That’s not at all traumatic. And not for nothing but the father is “Santa Claus”? He brought all the gifts while the Mom just sat around waiting to plant one on him? I don’t know about you but the only person more surprised than I was about what I opened on Christmas was my Dad. I mean at least I knew what I asked for.  He had no clue what I was getting, thanks again Mom. But you’ll have me believe in this song, that the father dressed up as Santa and hucked all the gifts under the tree while Mom stood by in admiration? No chance. 

Clearly these songs are the absolute worst.  So now that the word is out about the town, I’d say we have Magic 106.7 remove these two from the rotation.  Then we can all lift a glass and have a wonderful Christmastime.