I’m sure by now you’ve read the Top 5 Ways to Guarantee You Have A Subaru Summer, but because I’m determined to make sure you’re all having one, I’m giving you FIVE! MORE! WAYS! Chant it with me. FIVE! MORE! WAYS! FIVE! MORE! WAYS!
Let’s not waste any more time…
6. Throw Eggs at the RCA Records Building
The eloquent Fresh Prince once said, “Riding around in your jeep or your benzos. Or in your Nissan sittin’ on lorenzos”, but it was the damn record label (RCA) that made him change it from his original lyrics “riding around in your Legacy, Subarus. Or in your XT sittin’ on lorenzos”. RCA been trying to prevent people from having a Subaru Summer since ’91!
7. Root for Japan in the World Cup
Subaru’s founder? Japanese. Subaru HQ? Tokyo. Subaru Summer? Nippon Ole!
8. Sign Up for a Walkabout Tour
This one is kind of obvious. What would a Subaru Summer be without signing up for a walkabout tour? Trekking across vast stretches of desert, rafting bloody treacherous waters, etc.. Do you have to be in peak physical condition? John Locke wasn’t, and he was planning on doing it. Don’t let anyone tell you what you can’t do!
9. Rescue a Dog Not from a Dog Shelter, but from Someone Who Looks Like a Bad Owner.
Go to your nearest dog park. Find the worst owner there, or at least the slowest. It will be important that this owner cannot catch you when you grab their dog for your own. Drive away with said dog. Dog tested. Dog approved.
10. Buy a USED Subaru for Your Kid.
We know from the original list that the main thing you can do to have a Subaru Summer, is to “both purchase AND operate one of these modern miracles of machinery”. But you know what else guarantees you having a SS? Buying a non-modern, aka used, miracle of machinery for your kid(s)! So as long as you and your kid(s) are driving a Subaru, you can guarantee… it’s gonna continue being a Subaru Summer.
Oh, and F u Ernie Boch.