Who would the Monstars steal their talent from today?

By now I’m sure you’ve all heard that there has been major progress in making a second Space Jam movie. For the record (don’t know what record exactly or who’s even keeping it), I’m completely, 100% opposed to this idea. Space Jam is one of my all-time favorite sports movies. Ask my brother, or my friends, and they’ll tell you it’s one of the movies that I quote the most. It had a lot of influence on me when I was growing up and I’ll admit, if I see it on TV today, I will be watching.

“If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” Remaking Space Jam is what the guy who made up that phrase was talking about. It’s unnecessary to make another one, except so ESPN can once again debate Jordan v. LeBron. Personal feelings towards him aside, there’s no denying that LeBron would be the main role in Space Jam Today (I refuse to call it Space Jam 2). He may be well on his way to the rings that Jordan has, and certainly has the MVPs, Final appearances and All Star Game credentials to go with it. But instead of that debate, let’s get into the more pressing matter: Who would the Monstars steal their talent from today?

To begin, let’s keep in mind something, the Monstars weren’t very good scouts in the first one. Here’s some guys they missed: Hakeem, Zo, Mailman, Stockton, Shaq, etc. So it’s not like we can pick an All-Star team for Space Jam Today. That’s why you won’t see guys like Anthony Davis, James Harden and others in my the remake. (I tried to keep it skills and talent related, but bear with me).

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All the way from Moron Mountain, the Monstars New Starting Five…

Shawn Bradley – Pau Gasol

Why the Monstars chose to steal Shawn Bradley’s “talent” we may never know but Pau is kind of a perfect fit: Tall, white, goofy, plays in the NBA. Yup, that’s everything. Pau won’t really say much in this one but instead of the gangly Blue Alien sounding like an dim-witted hick, he’ll sound like an dim-witted Spaniard.

Patrick Ewing – Dwight Howard

Unfortunately, Dwight Howard kind of has to be in SJT because his ego wouldn’t let him not be in it. And that sucks because even though I think Dwight is a baby, physically, he is still as much of a force as Ewing was. I’d prefer other players in it, but the closest thing these two have in common is that Ewing never won a championship, and Dwight never will.

Muggsy Bogues – Nate Robinson

I’m sure you’re thinking of other PGs who are better to be in this, but here’s the thing: they’re all too good. CP3, Rose, even John Wall – all better than what Muggsy was in the ’90s. Unfortunately though, Nate isn’t a starter and Muggsy was, so that kind of messes things up a little bit. Actually, I’m not sure if Nate even plays in the NBA anymore but come on, who else could be in this role? Nate Robinson is really the only PG that fits the bill (mostly because of his height).

Larry Johnson – Carmelo Anthony

The Monstars not having a true shooting guard forced this selection to be kinda difficult. The Grandmama was pretty good in his hayday, and even though Melo put up better offensive numbers, I just didn’t know who else to go with. Maybe I need to go someone younger because Larry was only a few years in the league when the movie came out? Regardless, this is where I’m at. It’s a strange role to fill and I don’t love Melo for the comparison but like LJ, he will also never win a ring.  

Charles Barkley – Blake Griffin

Sir Charles might have been the toughest player to match. He was really good and no power forward today puts up his all around numbers. The best I could come up with is Blake Griffin. I will say though, it’s perfect for this scene I envisioned in my head:

A talent-less Blake Griffin walks through the projects of  South Central LA trying to play pickup ball. A group of teenage girls are playing, but they need one more…

Blake: “Hey, can I play wit ya’ll?”
Girl basketball player: “Oh my go–! You’re… You’re Blake Griffin from the Clippers and all those KIA commercials!”
Girl basketball player: “Hey girls! Get over here! Hurry up! Look, it’s Blake Griffin from the Clippers and all those KIA commercials!”

Bewildered, the other girls come running. They gladly accept him and start to play, but Blake’s game is way off. It’s gotten so bad that one of the girls actually posterizes him. He falls to the ground and she steps over him, Allen Iverson-esque!

Girl basketball player: “You ain’t Blake Griffin. You’re just a half-white/half-black guy who looks like him! You a Blake Griffin wanna-be. You shouldn’t even be here! Break out! Wanna-be, be gone!”

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So what do you think? Not terrible, right? Definitely open for suggestions and up for debate, but because it’s a hot topic right now, I figured I would weigh-in. Again though, I’m absolutely against making a sequel, but if they do decide to make it, I kind of hope the Monstars win and LeBron stays in Moron Mountain forever.

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