For a city associated with multiple high-profile crimes, from the $140 million art heist at the Gardner Museum to the multiple murders from Whitey Bulger during the rule of the Irish Mob…why is it Boston doesn’t get a single superhero?

I mean New York has about 500 vigilantes, and rightfully so because it’s a crime-ridden hell-hole that has plenty of murders, assaults, and robbery (whether it’s thugs beating up an old woman for her purse OR landlords charging $2,500 a month to sleep in a room that Stuart Little would find tight). So yeah, it checks out that that’s where Avenger’s HQ is. They got the whole roster. Whether it’s Captain America who was born and raised there or a literal god from outer space, crime will be stopped by a supe. Some dude tries to stick up a bodega and they’ve got Thor the God of Thunder there ready to send 5000 volts through his skull. But you’d think with that kinda power they’d be able to spare a few for some of the smaller metros right? Well, I guess not. 

Is it because the superheroes don’t want to live here? I really can’t see why, at least compared to some other places. Like “there’s no Las Vegas superhero”? Yeah OBVIOUSLY. You want a guy with laser vision getting free shots from the casino and then hitting up the strip club? NO. There’d be burnt boobs floppin’ around every gentleman’s club on the strip. 

And it’s not like we’re a lost cause either! Like yeah I get why the only “superhero” from Detroit is RoboCop. No shot they could convince a human to try and control that city whether they have claws shooting out of their knuckles or even just a gun and badge.

But Boston? We’re pretty nice all things considered! I mentioned some high-profile crimes earlier but besides that I mean, there’s some really low-hanging crimes going on in Beantown. Enough to keep you busy but not enough where you gotta be worried about the fate of the world, you know that sweet spot? Some guy drunkenly going around slapping people in Faneuil Hall? That’s a great crime for a superhero to handle! Bring him to the drunk tank with all the others, maybe just pick up a gatorade for him and stay with him till he sobers up a bit, you could probably even accidentally murder the guy he wouldn’t even notice! Drop him in the Charles! It happens often enough and rarely gets solved anyways!

I feel like that scenario would be perfect for Spider-Man, who we were SO CLOSE to getting. In No Way Home my man was a shoe-in for MIT until those nerds got all scared he was “too controversial”. HUH? Peter Parker’s too controversial? Bro BUZZ ALDRIN is an MIT alum and that dude lied to every person on Earth about walking on the moon! We all know that video’s fake but HE’S a celebrated graduate??? F off!

Spiderman would be a good Boston supe because his powers are good for low-level crime. Shooting some webs to tie up some bad guys would solve most of the crime around here. We don’t need Iron Man to shoot nuclear beams out of his robo-hands because there’s no portal into another dimension opening up over Fenway park, they save that for the Empire State Building or the Statue of Liberty… You know, places that look cool in movies. So what could be some superheroes that have powers that would be suitable to the city? I have a few ideas.

The Volume Vigilante

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” is something that 1000% does not apply to Bostonians. We love to shit-talk and it almost always escalates into an altercation. That’s where The Volume Vigilante comes in. He has the power to MUTE human beings. Picture this: you’re in the bleachers at a Sox game and that one New York fan says “Go Yankees!”. Now instead of the Sox fans calling him any number of derogatory slurs which would lead to a switchblade in someone’s thigh, the Volume Vigilante comes in and makes the whole crowd silent. Nothing off-color said, they just sit in anger at that one guys allegiance to the team they don’t like and it doesn’t go anywhere until everyone’s cooled off. The crime rate would plummet. 

Sober Lord

The Venn Diagram of smack-talk altercations and too-drunk altercations is just a complete circle. So if we really want to get rid of crime, we need a hero who can bring someone’s BAC from .32 to .0 in the snap of a finger. Introducing, Sober Lord. He has the power to remove all of the alcohol from a person’s bloodstream. Imagine, it’s 9pm on a Saturday night and there’s an absolutely hammered man arguing with the bouncer at Bell In Hand to let him onto the dancefloor despite him being literally barefoot. How’s that usually going to end? With the drunk guy being taken away on an ambulance after taking a sloppy swing at the bouncer who proceeds to throw him in front of a moving car. But not on Sober Lord’s watch. He’d suck all the booze out of that man and it’d end right then and there. The previously-drunk man would look down at his feet, say “Ohhhh yeah.  I’m in the wrong here brother. I’m gonna head home and get some rest. Have a great night.” and be in an Uber in 5 minutes and in bed to sleep off the hangover in 20. (No, unfortunately he does not have the power to replace the alcohol with Liquid IV). 

Portal Guy

Look, if you’re trying to get home from anywhere after like 10pm, an Uber in Boston is going to cost you like $60 minimum. So people decide to walk home and that’s where they get punched in the throat and robbed for everything they got. Portal Guy is a super hero who can open a portal sending anyone anywhere they want to go. He’ll have a dedicated number that you can call, he’ll teleport to you then he’ll teleport you home. Simple as that. Not the most glorious or exciting super duty but the results will be Avengers-level impressive.

I think those are all pretty good fits for a Boston Superhero, but they don’t exist…yet. Which is why I’m inviting all Creative Equal readers to my house this Sunday to participate in the Radioactive Bucket Challenge! It’s kinda like the ice bucket challenge except instead of raising money to save people’s lives it will almost definitely kill us. We’re gonna dump radioactive waste on us and hope it gives us super powers (which I’m like 70% sure is the best way to get powers). So come on down and let’s get Boston it’s first masked crusader!