What’s The Best Way?

Announcer: From Boston Mass, right off the Mass Pike, it’s “What’s The Best Way” – All right, here’s your host, Stanley Sperrow –

Stanley Sperrow: Hello, welcome back to “What’s the Best Way”, the only game show by New Englanders, for New Englanders making it’s triumphant return 27 years later! Ok, contestants your folks all played back in ’92, are you ready to play today?

Contestants: Yup, yup.

Stanley Sperrow: Ok, first question. What’s the best way to get from Boston to Provincetown?

(Paul buzzes in)

Paul Dunbar: Well….you’re gonna want to leave bright….and early.

Stanley: Here we go again…

Paul: Seeing the sunrise…over the Cape Canal…a thing… of beauty. Then…well…you’re going to be heading to Wellfleet, the clamming capital of the Cape, from there…

*EHHHHH*

Stanley: Sorry Paul our producers are saying you’re talking speed is putting our elderly viewers to sleep. Anyone else?

(Maureen buzzes in)

Maureen McGregor: The first thing you’ll want to do is get in your Mercedes, next have your husband get on 93, assuming this is on the weekend in the summer, because when else would you be going? it will be a mess, and not the kind 3 Advils and a mimosa can fix. Now once you cross the Sagamore you’ll want to cruise along Route 6 until you get to Chatham, if you go anywhere past Exit 11 you’re not likely to come back. From Orleans on it’s all druggies and…

*EHHHHH*

Stanley: Sorry Maureen we could see where that one is going and can’t afford to have any slurs used on the show.

(Jimmy buzzes in)

Stanley: Jimmy!

Jimmy Vallencourt: Goin to Ptown bro? Just take the fairy from the harbor

Stanley: I’m sorry the what?

Jimmy: The ferry, pal

*DING DING DING*

Stanley: Ok, that’s correct! The ferry is much quicker than driving.

Jimmy: Plus you can have a couple cold ones on the way over.

Stanley: Of course. Now, for bonus points can you tell me, where does one stay while down the Cape?

Jimmy: Somebody’s grandmothers house.

Stanley: Who’s grandmothers house?

Jimmy: Anyone’s.

*DING DING DING*

Stanley: Correct! Jimmy off to a hot start. Let’s get to know our contestants a bit more. Jimmy it says here you work at the fish market and also drive “Ubah”.

Jimmy: Damn right I do! I like to give the drunk kids a coupla bumps on the way back from Ned’s hoping they’ll throw up in the Nissan. I get $200 bucks to get it “professionally cleaned” but I just powerwash the hell outta my backseat in my own driveway.

Stanley: What a strategy. Maureen it says here you sell essential oils to your friends at monthly “girls nights”.

Maureen: Don’t tell the hubby but I just order tubes of lotions from Amazon, have all my gal pals over, coupla glasses of Pinot and then take their phones and venmo myself $20 to make it look like I sold something.

Stanley: That, sounds illegal. And Paul it says you enjoy fly fishing?

Paul: I certainly do, you know when you’ve got that rod in your…

*EHHHH*

Stanley: I’m sorry that’s incorrect!

Paul: I…I wasn’t aware this was part of the game…

Stanley: It’s not, next round. From Fall River to Portsmouth, NH –

(Maureen buzzes in)

Maureen : Ok, now that’s north on 24, to 95, now, if you’re going to Portsmouth you must visit the Stonewall Kitchen Company Store-

Stanley: Sorry Maureen, I didn’t finish the question. From Fall River to Portsmouth, how many Christmas Tree Shops along the way?

(Jimmy buzzes in)

Stanley: Jimmy.

Jimmy: Five!

Stanley: Nope.

Maureen : Six!

Stanley: Correct! Jimmy, you were thinking of Bernie & Phylls

Jimmy: Is that right, pal?

Stanley: That’s right

Jimmy: When I was a kid, I never knew which one was Bernie and which one was Phyll.

Stanley: Ok, Jim, we’re still playing here.

Jimmy: Hey quality, comfort and price – that’s wicked nice!

Stanley: Ok folks, back to our game. Tell me, what’s the best way from…

The Wheel spins.

Stanley: Worcester, Mass to a Red Sox Minor League Baseball Game.

(Maureen buzzes in)

Maureen: Well get out of Worcester as fast as you can, windows rolled up, then you’re going to head to Pawtucket. It’s in Rhode Island so it can’t be too far away from Newport and to be honest if you’re in the state you might as well just go there. There’s a tour of the 19th century mansions you can take that’s just about as long as a baseball game…

*EHHHHH*

Stanley: I’m sorry you, didn’t even attempt to give us directions.

(Paul buzzes in)

Paul: First…you’re going to mosey on down to the Mass Pike….from there you’ll just drive…and drive…until you can smell the chickens and livestock of Smithfield, Rhode Island…now once you pass the man in the overalls selling fishing worms on the side of the road in North Smithfield, you’ll take a left…

Stanley: I’m sorry Paul but you’ve already given too many directions…

(Jimmy buzzes in)

Jimmy: You wanna go to a Sox minor league game from Worcester? Ok what you’re gonna wanna do, is get dressed, put your favorite Paw Sox cap on, get in your car….AND DON’T EVEN TURN THE FREAKIN KEY, CUZ THE PAW SOX ARE MOVIN TO WORCESTER BABY!

*DING DING DING*

Stanley: He is correct! Pawtucket went broke and now the Paw Sox are becoming the Woo Sox.

Jimmy: Oh buddy I’ll tell ya I loved gettin’ hammered in the bleachers at McCoy but bringing the minahs back to mass?! You kiddin’ me? I’m wicked excited. Skip over to Leicester while your there too bro and grab some buds. 

(sirens)

Stanley Sperrow: Ok, that means we’re out of time, so Jimmy, you’re the winner pal. (Music plays)

Jimmy: Oh pissah.

Stanley Sperrow: Alright, see you next time on “How Do You Get There?”.

Maureen McGregor: You mean, “What’s The Best Way?”.

Stanley Sperrow: There ya go.

(fade)

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