It’s a question I’ve been thinking about for quite some time: Just how hungry is Rex Ashley Ryan? So I’d like to take a deeper look into it and see if we can figure this out, wattya say? Let’s look at this scale I found searching the internet for “Levels of Hunger” which seems legit enough for me and this blog…
Starving – Ravenous – Weak – Grouchy!
Very Hungry – “I’m ready to eat now.”
A Little Hungry
Not Full But Not That Hungry – “My mind is on things other than food.”
Satisfied and Light – “I could eat more but…”
We learned back in September that Rex has his lap band removed in “solidarity” with his brother. Now I’m not going to pretend that I knew what a lap band was or what having it removed does, but this has gotta be good for Bills fans but better for his hunger level. Bills fans must be aware of Rex’s coaching record while fat. (Hint: it’s better than when he’s “skinny”). And better for his hunger because his mind was probably always on food while having the lap band in there, even while losing all that weight. His plan was clearly this:
Step 1 – Get rid of lap band
Step 2 – Gain more weight
Step 3 – Lower Hunger Level
Step 4 – Win more games
So how did he fare? Not very good.
WEEK 1. LOSS
Held under 200 offensive yards, one can only imagine it was not the start Rex anticipated. He’s probably at a Hunger Level 3 I’d say – he’s ready to eat and ready to win now! But he doesn’t win. He loses. He and the Bills start 0-1. And he sees that the Brady-less Patriots win Week 1 and they’re atop the AFC East once again.
WEEK 2. LOSS
This time a divisional loss. Ryan Fitzpatrick threw for 374 yards against a Rex Ryan coached Defense. After the game, Rex said he “never expected this.” Starting 0-2 means the chances of them making the playoffs are very slim. What’s not slim though, is Rex’s waistline. Growing, actually. This 0-2 start must mean Rexy jumps to a Hunger Level 2. He’s uncomfortable now, forcing food into his face without it satiating his hunger.
Who wins though? The Pats of course, remaining on top of the leader board.
WEEK 3. WIN
Somehow, someway the Bills beat the Cardinals. This tells us that the Cardinals are not as good as they were last year. Now the Bills are 1-2 and apparently his job is secure and even though it’s just 1 win, his Hunger Level moves to a 4. Rex is just a little hungry. He’s had his fill, but could go for more.
Fluctuating the Hunger Level more than a few spots is typically unheard of within the span of a week, but many things took place since the Bills winning a game and the Patriots starting 3-0…
Basking in the glory of getting in the win column this season, Rex immediately focuses his attention to the next opponent, your New England Patriots. “If Belichick’s playing quarterback, we’re coming after him, I promise you that” Ryan said in his post-game press conference. Rex is OBSESSED with Bill Belichick. He claims it’s about respect more than anything, but I’m not buying it. Here’s my simple flow chart of Rex’s feelings towards BB: envy –> desire –> hunger. That’s right, his jealousy of the greatest coach ever directly correlates to his Level of Hunger (like his wins/losses). He’s starting to get really hungry, and he wants to challenge BB. Can’t you see Rob and Rex stuffing their faces with food watching Patriots film?
But by today, the first of October, Rex knows his star wide-receiver is out. The Bills D has looked better since their first two games, but who were they preparing for all week? JimmyG? Jacoby? Belichick? They didn’t know til yesterday and all of this is making Rex Ryan starving. That’s right, he’s at a Hunger Level 1! Sure he might seem jovial and playful doing a BB impersonation and going “undercover” as a media member to ask Edelman if he’s playing QB this week. (Regular riot). But we know deep down, down past his esophagus, through his lower esophageal sphincter, way, way down in his stomach, Rex Ryan is Starving.
If you’re good at photoshop or making/drawing images on your computer, feel free to design a couple for “How Hungry Is Rex Ryan?”. I’d like to do it again for Week 8. Send them to firstname.lastname@example.org