It’s April, which (if you live in Boston) probably means you need to make a decision soon about where you’re going to be living IN SIX MONTHS. 

You need to start looking around now because finding an apartment in Boston is a stressful hell I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. And making it more stressful this year…I’m 28. 

That’s right, twenty eight years old. Practically 30. Which is practically middle age. Which is practically dead. 

When I moved into Southie in 2020, I was a young lad of 24. It was basically college 2.0. I was getting paid an entry-level Providence salary, so needless to say people weren’t really “counting on me” at my job. Southie Sundays meant slamming mimosas at 11am at Broadway and keeping it going till I saw 60 Minutes come on at the bar. And all my other friends were living with friends in cheap apartments and always down to get after it.

Now? I OWED money on my taxes this year. Southie Sundays means walking to American Provisions for an 8 dollar coffee to help me recover from my crippling 6-beer hangover. And half my friends are living with their girlfriends, full-on married, or moved out of the city completely. Some of them even own homes! I found a gray hair while I was getting my hair nice for my friends’ wedding the other week…if the Southie Youths find out what I am they’re gonna run me out of town. So what do I do? Buy “Just for Men”? Or start touring around in…God forbid…QUINCY?

I’ve been here for 4 years! It feels like home! But am I too old for this home? Or do I need to be put in A home? If you’re wondering this yourself, I have the perfect quiz to see if it’s time for YOU to move out of Southie. 

Answer the following questions and tally up your points at the end to see if it’s time to say sayonara to South Boston. 

1. How Mad Do You Get About Not Being Able to Find Parking?

• Not at all, it’s a small price to pay to live in the best place on earth (+1)
• A little bit, they should build a garage or not give out as many permits (+2)
• Mad. These babies who just moved in have all their friends visit and they take up all the spots (+3)
• Pissed. I am checking cars for resident stickers and calling the tow myself if they’re missing one (+4)

2. What Are Your Thoughts on Capo Basement?

• It’s heaven. Music blasting, full dancefloor, rizz levels on 100 (+1)
• It’s fun. Waiting in line to get down is pretty ridiculous but I always have a good time (+2)
• Not great. It’s too dark and kinda smells? Also the drinks are WAY too strong (+3)
• You would have to chloroform me and drag me by my ankles to get me into that hell hole (+4)

3. Where Do You Get Coffee in Southie?

• PS Gourmet, need the trough of Caramel MochaDoodle Iced after a long night (+1)
• Deja Brew, it’s a cute little local spot I like to support even if it costs a bit more (+2)
• Starbucks, and I’m ordering ahead so I don’t have to interact with anyone (+3)
• Dunkin, this is what I’m gonna be drinking for the next 40 years anyways right? (+4)

4. Typical Sunday?

• Broadway by 11, Stats by 2, see where day takes us from there (+1)
• Maybe stop by a bar to watch the Pats game and have a few drinks (+2)
• Try to get a workout in at some point, watch some Netflix, do some chores (+3)
• Trader Joes. And I WILL complain about how many other people are there (+4)

5. What Does Your Ideal Living Room Look Like?

• 4 flags, 3 TVs, 2 couches, and 1 bong on a pong table (+1)
• A TV, big coffee table, carpet? I don’t need much (+2)
• Some photos hung up on the wall, record player, my books on the mantle (+3)
• An absolute jungle of house plants, the whitest couch you’ve ever seen and I better be looking at socks because we are shoes OFF in the living room (+4)

6. How Often Do You Leave Southie?

• Never, why would I? (+1)
• Maybe once or twice a week. Try the newest restaurant I’ve seen on Tik Tok (+2)
• Three or four times a week. See my significant other, run some errands, change of scenery (+3)
• Almost every day, mainly because my spouse and I are touring apartments (+4)

7. Do You Want To Buy A Dog?

• Yes, but I can barely take care of myself so I don’t. (+1)
• I do, but my apartment is kind of small and my roommate is allergic. (+2)
• Yes! My significant other and I are looking to adopt one soon! (+3)
• Absolutely, my purebred Australian Shepherd is getting lonely I think he needs a Frenchie Friend (+4)

8. What Are Your Plans This Summer?

• M Street Beach, Spikeball, Bud Light Limes. (+1)
• Go to Cisco, walk around the seaport, maybe hit Tall Ship (+2)
• Do some outdoor seating at North End restaurants, a couple weekends down the Cape (+3)
• Plans? You think I have time for plans? I’ve got 11 weddings and 6 bachelorette parties to go to (+4)

9. How Late Can Neighbors Be Making Noise on the Weekends?

• Buddy, I AM the noise (+1)
• I can’t be too mad if it’s the weekend, but I’d be annoyed after like 1am (+2)
• If I can hear your music at 11, I’m sending a passive aggressive text (+3)
• I heard my neighbor listening to “The Daily” on a JBL mini at 7pm the other night and called the cops. Try me. (+4)

Now it’s time for the final and most important question…

10. Can You Still Enjoy a Beer at L Street Tavern?

• Hell yeah. McGuillicuddy’s shots on deck (-10,000)
• Of course! I’ve got bangers queued up on the touch tunes and a $5 beer in my hand (-10,000)
• Absolutely. Best place to round up some buddies and watch a game (-10,000)
• Not a chance. I hate fun. (+1,000,000).

OK folks! Time to tally up your points! Drumroll please…

If you scored in the negatives, congratulations! You’re still at the right age to be living in Southie! 

And if you scored in the positives, GOOD RIDDANCE.

There’s a lot of jokes made about Southie and honestly, a lot of them are pretty accurate. But if Southie is the place where I can stroll around Castle Island on a sunny day, where I can be at all my siblings apartments in 15 minutes, where I can bump into friends from college when grabbing a coffee, and where my 80 year-old neighbor who’s lived there all his life invites me inside for a tour of his house and takes me out to lunch afterwards? Then keep the jokes coming, because I’ll be laughing them off at L street with my friends and family who also see why this neighborhood rules.