If you’re dumb, you probably think that buying scratch tickets is a good investment. If you’re REALLY dumb, you buy the ones that have gimmicks because you mix-up your excitement for their goofiness with the feeling of luck. That is why I have bought 7 of the Jaws-themed Mass Lottery Scratch tickets in the last week.

I am a sucker for scratchies. After a long day of sending emails to faceless recipients, procrastinating doing my taxes, and watching videos on the 10,000 years of lore from the Dune universe, sometimes buying a ticket is the only way to feel something.

The odds of winning the lottery are roughly 1 in 300 million, but on that walk to the convenience store? I’m thinking there’s at least a 5% chance I’m winning 500 or more. Now when I saw that Jaws ticket hanging on the back wall? I was pretty sure there was a 50% chance I was gonna need a bigger boat, to carry all this damn money I’m about to win!

What happened in reality? I lost $20 on 2 tickets. And then I was so desperate to not lose the war that I bought another Jaws ticket and lost ANOTHER $10. I was about to go full Quint mode. Head to the Mass Lottery headquarters with a shotty and say “Die You Son of a…”. 

But then I thought, well… What if I can create MORE Boston-themed tickets to get idiots like me to buy more scratchies? Then maybe they’d pay ME to make THEM more money with my ideas! 

So Mass Lottery, I know I will never win it big on any of your products, BUT I know after seeing these ideas? You’re gonna wanna pay me a handsome salary to lock down my full slate of ideas. Here’s a few samples:

(Admin note- it’s very worth clicking on each of the scratch ticket images, they’re less blurry when you do)

Good Will Hunting

If people went crazy for the Jaws scratch ticket, they’re gonna need a psychiatrist for the Good Will Hunting Ticket! Sure it’s not as “fun” of a blockbuster, but if you get a winning numbah? You’re gonna like them apples! 

Triple Decker Dollars

According to Rocket Mortgage, Boston is the #6 most expensive city to live in in the U.S. So if someone wins big on a scratchie it’s safe to assume they’d spend it on their monthly rent. So why not have a scratch ticket themed around Boston’s famous triple deckers! Make sure to cash it in as soon as you win, or else the price of a ticket will go up. Thank God you have an in-unit (but coin-operated) laundry so that you can use those coins you’ve been saving up to scratch off this ticket! If you scratch off a winning number under those mice, you be able to afford an exterminator to come and take care of the real life mice in your apartment! 

Encore

Every Boston gambling degenerate loves going to Encore, so having a scratch ticket themed on the casino is a no-brainer way to bring in some revenue. There’s 5 ATMs with your numbers, because when you go there you’re probably gonna hit the ATM five times anyways. Scratch off the old lady hypnotized by the Young Sheldon slot machine to reveal your winning numbers and you might be able to afford your uber home from Everett! And if you get really lucky and scratch a phone symbol, someone from Encore will call whoever is pissed at you for being at the casino and make up a great excuse as to why you’re M.I.A.! So you can keep gambling without a crippling sense of guilt! 

Southie Bar Line Luck

Waiting for 45 minutes to get into Lincoln, where you can’t hear the music and it’ll take you 20 minutes to get an overpriced espresso martini, is one of Boston’s greatest pastimes, but there’s a price to pay. This scratch ticket will make that price a little bit easier though! Scratch off those coats that you wish you ended up bringing for the freezing wait outside and you might could win: a direct pass into the bar (if you’re hot), a McGuillicuddy’s nip to keep your buzz alive, a smooth Marlboro Gold to take the edge off, or best of all, you could have your friends leave the pregame when they actually said they would and miss the line all together! 

Wahl Street Bets

Boston’s pride and joy, Marky Mark, had to get in on the Mass Lottery game as well! For the low price of $1 (which is how much it costs for them to make a Wahlburger), you coud win up to a full year subscription to Hallow, Mark’s prayer app! #StayPrayedUp! Scratch off the lukewarm burgers from the Logan Airport Wahlburgers to reveal the winning numbers. Unfortunately, your numbers are all underneath pictures of Donnie’s face so they’re not going to be nearly as good as you’d want. The good news is, if you scratch off Mark’s famous pair of Calvin Klein’s and reveal his Boogie Nights “beast”, you could get the Blu Ray of Father Stu! The movie your super Catholic grandparents are calling “Cute!”. Feeling some “good vibrations”? Pick up your ticket today!

So Mass Lottery, if you like what you see, give me a ring! No need to negotiate on salary either, I’ll just take 500 of the Jaws scratchies and we’ll call it even.